The strength of going out on your own

It’s okay to go out on your own.

Sometimes I actually prefer going out on my own, for a walk for example, or a look around a new area. Other times, my solo outings are more because other people are just not an option: either they are not interested in what I want to do or they just can’t join me for whatever reason. I don’t want to miss out, so off I go, without any thought of excluding myself or complaining about not wanting to go somewhere without company. By insisting on having company you can severely restrict your options.

So, I sometimes rock up on my own to gigs, pubs and talks. I’m not the only singleton: there are lots of other lone women at talks and lots of lone men at gigs. I’ve always wondered what’s behind this gender divide, so do help me out here. In walking groups, it’s about equal.

Generally though, there seem to be very few solitary people at social gatherings, especially, (obviously) those within spaces intended to be for people to communicate, such as pubs and restaurants. You could say that these venues are designed to be as full of groups as possible; but even these communal zones offer you the space to sit and think and in the case of pubs, to dare to talk to new people.

Going on your own to events can be a far more immersive experience when you are solo. Music, film, performance, these are all art-forms to be watched and listened to – and you can only do that through your own senses: no-one else can watch or listen to something for you. By focusing on the main event you can lose yourself in the magic in the same way that children are able to but we grow out of when we become unimaginative and repressed adults!

It is good to share a social-life with others; I’m not suggesting you stop going out with friends. The excitement of planning something with someone and doing stuff with people is a joy. It’s especially cool to introduce someone to new things and share in their enjoyment. I urge you to keep doing this. However, discovering new activities to enjoy independently brings a different kind of satisfaction, as does engineering finding new friends through your one-person bookings.

A change in attitude is needed – both by society and by ourselves. We need to foster community but also value people as single socialisers. As fewer of us choose to live in family units, it follows that fewer of us have a ready-made group to go out with. After the peak social opportunities of school and uni, we are also less likely to have instant company (let’s face it, work is not a source of real friends for many people). So, being confident about striking out without others round you is a really great skill for our increasingly dispersed and fast-changing lifestyles.

Enjoying being a solo socialiser brings other benefits too: you can leave when we like or change your mind without worrying about how your friends will take it. Yet, how many of us exclude ourselves when we don’t have other people to attend with? Or pencil in a group event we are meh about, with people we don’t really like anyway, because at least we’ll vaguely know other people there?

It has taken me some time to perfect the art of independent attendance, because we are conditioned to think of it as somehow being a failure when, in fact, it can be quite the reverse. Being comfortable on your own is very much about inner-strength and empathy with a wider range of people and situations. I still love group socialising, but I also genuinely enjoy doing my own thing and this has made me a more independent, resilient person.  

Take the plunge and do your own thing.